


Drowned in Starlight

by Silent_of_Spirit



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Idek what this is honestly, Kaidan tries to understand, ME3, all aboard the pain train
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 22:56:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17927969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silent_of_Spirit/pseuds/Silent_of_Spirit
Summary: "Shepard was - is - many things, but a liar is not among them. In all the time he knew her she never lied, wielding truth like a weapon on its own despite how difficult it could be to bear. She never…And you refused to believe her."Kaidan struggles with his lingering misperceptions of Shepard and decides he needs to know what happened over Alchera.





	Drowned in Starlight

**Author's Note:**

> *Throws glitter* Oh look, I wrote a thing. I should do that more.
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm really only trying to get back into the habit of writing and posting - even if its awful - for the purpose of not being so damn perfectionistic that I refuse to write at all, so hopefully it's not awful.
> 
> Please comment! It gives me life <3

He is staring out of the starboard viewport leaning on his forearm when she walks in. He knew she would, somewhere in the back of his mind. She always made the rounds to the crew when she stepped back aboard after docking. But something in him is still surprised, as if he had expected her habits to change… after. But she’d told him she was still the same - though that annoying part of his mind still rebelled at the thought. How could anyone be the same after  _ that _ ? He was no stranger to the impossible - hell, especially not when working with Commander fucking Shepard of all people... the  _ queen _ of accomplishing the impossible - but coming back to  _ life? _

 

He knows it’s probably self-preservation. After all, if it isn’t really her, he doesn’t have to worry about losing her again and the hell it prompted. But he  _ knows _ . God, she even smells the same. It keeps stirring up the emotions he thought he had finally buried, eking out in the moments he was most vulnerable… like in the hospital when he was still high from the pain meds and let slip how often he still thinks of her.

 

_ He never stopped. _

 

She looks over to him with that same soft smile she always used to reserve just for him, and damn if that doesn’t send his heart hammering all over again.

 

“It’s amazing how small it all makes you feel, isn’t it?” she asks suddenly, looking out to the passing stars.

 

He glances her way, noticing the slight slump of her shoulders and the darkness under her eyes. “Yeah,” he almost whispers. She looks tired in a way he’s never seen, not on her. But there’s something else there too - a shadow over her features that would be imperceptible if he hadn’t known her so well. He swears she looks  _ haunted _ . 

 

He doesn’t know what makes him ask, but the words slip from his mouth of their own accord, “What was it like,” and he’s never wished so quickly that he could take something back.

 

She startles at the words, and he sees the way she stiffens slightly, making a point not to look at him. It had been the first time he’d acknowledged it out loud - her death - and he hates that she doesn’t trust him.

 

_ Not that you didn’t earn it. _

 

She opens her mouth and promptly closes it again, instead choosing to chew on her bottom lip in an ancient gesture of nerves he’d never thought to see again. The urge to reach out and pull it from her teeth is overwhelming, but he tamps back on it. Three years ago he would have without a second thought, but the distance between them now may as well be lightyears instead of the couple of feet it is. 

 

“Shep, I- I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was-”

 

“It’s alright,” she interrupts, and he knows he didn’t imagine the slight tremor in her words.

 

He desperately wants to bridge the gap between them full of years and hurt and anger, but he doesn’t know how. At this point, is it even possible? 

 

He sees her swallow, take in a shaky breath. “It was… cold,” she finally says after some time. It isn’t what he expects her to say -  _ but what did he expect her to say _ \- and he finds he wants…

 

No-

 

_ Needs _

 

To know what happened. From her lips.

 

No more rumors or speculation or second hand accounts from a grieving pilot (sorry, Joker). He needs the truth, however hard it may be.

 

_ Harder still for her _

 

Shepard was - is - many things, but a liar is not among them. In all the time he knew her she  _ never _ lied, wielding truth like a weapon on its own despite how difficult it could be to bear. She  _ never… _

 

_ And you refused to believe her _ .

 

“Cold,” he repeats, voice cracking unexpectedly around the word.

 

“I was - ah,” she licks her lips, fidgets slightly, and he wonders for a moment if she’s told  _ anyone _ . “I was blown clear from the ship. I watched Joker’s pod launch to safety, and then watched as the Collectors’ ship decimated the rest of the Normandy. I don’t know if it was the heat, if I got hit by debris… I don’t-” she trails off, visibly struggling with her confession. He is about to tell her to stop, that she doesn’t have to relive that nightmare-

 

“My suit sprung a leak.” And she says it so simply that he has to repeat the words to himself just to make sure he heard them right.

 

_ Jesus _

 

He thinks he knows how the rest of the story goes. The thought turns his stomach and suddenly the all of the guilt he’d been harboring comes flooding back into his mind, threatening to drown him.  _ Drowned in starlight... _

 

_ If you had stayed... disobeyed her order… if you had listened to your gut…  if if if if- _

 

“I remember how I panicked,” she lets out a dry, humorless laugh, “the great Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, panicking and afraid,” she swallows and closes her eyes and he is tortured by the ghost he sees before him. “I was so afraid,” she whispers, “grasping for the leak, trying to seal it even as another broke through… then two more.”

 

“The kind of cold in space isn’t even something you can truly grasp. It’s instant, but at the same time it feels like forever as it creeps over you…  _ into you _ … and you just know you’ll never be warm again, and you’re just thankful that it won’t last long because a body still needs oxygen and stims and medi-gel will only last so  _ long _ and-” she chokes on the words, sucking in a ragged breath as Kaidan feels his heart shatter all over again. He can’t breathe, can’t think, doesn’t know what to  _ do _ -

 

“I remember staring out at the stars for an eternity as my body tried to die, but my suit wouldn’t allow it. The stims kept me conscious and the medigel just allowed the cold to constantly sweep back over me as it repaired my skin. It was merciless - I just wanted it to end - anything to make it stop, but all I had were the stars and the pain and I was all  _ alone- _ ” 

 

She sobs then, a great heaving thing that she immediately tries to smother with a hand even as the tears spill from her eyes. And he doesn’t even realize he’s moved until he’s pulling her into his arms and crushing her against his chest.

 

He’d forgotten how small she is. It’s so easy to forget when the legend is before your eyes, covered in grime and blood, and then when you see how she fights - all reckless energy and yet carefully controlled, dominating the battlefield with skilled precision - hell, she almost seems ten feet tall.

 

But in his arms she seems just as fragile as any other human, and he hates to think how lonely she’s been.

 

“I’m sorry,” he rasps into her hair, unable to find the words to bring voice to all that remains unsaid in that simple phrase.   _ I’m sorry for what you went through, I’m sorry for what I said, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, trust you, hurt you, I’m sorry I let you think I didn’t care, I’m sorry you’ve felt so alone, I’m sorry, I’m sor- _

 

And she doesn’t say it’s okay, because he knows it’s not and Shepard doesn’t lie.

 

“I know,” she says instead, and then “thank you,” as she pulls him closer.

 

And damn if it doesn’t feel like a start.


End file.
